An Explanation

I created this blog originally for the purpose of documenting the songs that were feeling especially appropriate to my current mood. I imagined the songs slowly changing as time passed, as my trauma recovery progressed.
As it turns out, having your heart ripped out and your wife/best friend evaporating off the face of the earth takes significantly longer to process than one might have imagined at the beginning. I've only recently come out of the sheer shock and bewilderment or it all.

Due to circumstances beyond control, I am not allowed to contact my wife, nor her I. This is the single most agonizing mitigating factor to the whole thing. While it is difficult enough to process the loss of one's life partner, it's multiplied a thousand fold to do so with zero conversation, no interaction, no communication of any type.

It is inconceivable. There was no goodbye. No trying to work it out. No begging for another chance. No dividing of stuff. There wasn't a conversation of where we stood and an understanding of why it hadn't worked out. No chance to apologize. There was no attempt or ability to find closure. So I'm torn open and bleeding.

This was the woman I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with. I had sold out to our relationship. All of my heart and brain was devoted to this woman, her kids, my kids, and our future plans. There was no part of me "held back. " In some relationships you hold out a certain portion of yourself as protection against failure, the one that notices girls walk by at the mall, the one that keeps in touch with an ex you never really got past, the one that never mentions your marital status to the girl from the office upstairs you flirt with on the elevator. I didn't have that part of me in this relationship, I was totally, completely, fully hers. Completely and absolutely devoted. I was using my long vision, planning nursing homes, retirement, next 3 years of vacation. She was exactly where I belonged. I was her perfect match. We were each other's lobster.

The real battle I have is between my heart and my head. My brain can think about the way she left me, the negatives of our relationship, and it can calculate that I may in fact have a chance of coming out on the other side of all of this in a slightly better place.

But you can't convince my heart. My heart misses her. The years, the weeks, the days, the seconds we spent together, planning our life together. The tiniest spot on her waist that accentuated her rockin' curves. Our Redbox dates, catching up on the movies we missed in theaters. Our grocery store trips, her hurrying me along while I compared prices, while she immediately grabbed the quantity she had correctly remembered was the best bargain. My heart hurts thinking of all we shared, all our wonderful time together.

My heart and my head are in conflict and it has taken this event to make me realize... my heart controls me anywhere from 75 all the way to 100% My brain wouldn't feel so hollow and cold. My brain wouldn't physically ache while laying in bed at night. My brain wouldn't cry.



So, I guess now I am adding my own words to the blog. Feel free to comment, or to lurk.




And if you are reading this, love... I'm sorry. You are my home.





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