I'll pick up the broken pieces till I'm bleeding

It Will Rain
Bruno Mars

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
‘Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don’t have it anymore.

There’s no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walkin’ out the door.

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

I’ll never be your mother’s favorite
Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Oooh if I was in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin there goes my little girl
Walkin’ with that troublesome guy

But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand

Oooh well little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make you mine

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

Don’t just say, goodbye
Don’t just say, goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces ’til I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right

Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday it will rain, rain, rain...

It wasn't so long ago

No One
Alicia Keys


I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all I know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
You and me together
Through the days and nights

I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all I know is everything's going to be alright

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So til the end of time I'm telling you there is no one 


No one

Never Wanna Let Go

Wish You Were Here
Avril Lavigne

I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you, it's not like that at all

There's a girl
That gives a shit
Behind this wall
You just walk through it

And I remember all those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

I love the way you are
It's who I am, don't have to try hard
We always say, say it like it is
And the truth, is that I really mi-i-iss

All those crazy things you said
You left them running through my head
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here.
All those crazy things we did
Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go

(Let go let go let go let go)

No, I don't wanna let go
I just wanna let you know
That I never wanna let go

(Let go let go let go let go let go let go let go)

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here (I wish you were)
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

Damn, Damn, Damn,
What I'd do to have you
Here, here, here
I wish you were here.
Damn, Damn, Damn
What I'd do to have you
Near, near, near
I wish you were here.

I'll always be the guy you're supposed to be with

Almost There
Childish Gambino


Girl, I messed up real bad
I'm looking back on the days that we both had
I go to bed and I dream so hard
Of little mixed kids running in the front yard
I need you close, I need your kiss
I never ever, ever, ever knew a love like this
I, miss you more than Puffy missed B.I.G
I didn't think that you would leave a hole this big
In my life, you need to be my wife
I made this song while holdin' the pillow tight
And wishin' that it was you, what can a nigga do
Fuck this success, fuck these interviews
Fuck these phone calls, girl you are worth it
When I was happy, you were happy, you are perfect
When I was blue, you were blue, you're my Smurfette
I put my best chips on the worst bet


Girl, I need you like I need air
And fuck these other honeys, I will be there
I never ever, ever thought that I would be scared
Of living in a world when you are not there
My biggest fear is that you won't give a fuck
When you play this song on your MacBook
"Is that CG, yo, he's old news
I'm way too busy with my new dude."
The best time I ever had
Is kissing in my shitty ass Kia van
I wish that it was me instead
Feeling all your pain
I know that it is different now
It will never be the same but
I swear to God, our love special
You can be my number 2 like one pencil
Or you can be my number one, I will let you
In on my life, I've changed so much since you
Left, that hotel room
And if you're with another guy, go tell dude
That he could never keep us apart, he needs a better door
He'll always be the guy that you settle for
I'll always be the guy you're supposed to be with
Where the fuck is Cupid when you need him
I'm so Sam Cooke, I need Cupid too
I play Sam Cooke and I think of you


Baby girl we need to be together
This song ain't for my album
This song is for the better
And even though I'm living in a city full of strangers
They can see I'm different
They can see my anger
They can see my pain
They can see the way I talk about you
They see the way I'm living and I won't live long without you
I drink every night, I smoke more too
I think it is safe to say death or you
I need you more now than I ever did
I'm still the same guy you fell in love with
I need a second chance like I need a prayer
Sometimes I think God just doesn't care
I hope he has a plan for both you and I
So we can be together at a different time
Remember when I come home late
And you'd be crying over some food on a cold plate
I'll never do that shit to you again
You're the most beautiful girl I've ever known and my best friend
Baby girl we need to make up
And when I dream of you, I don't want to wake up
And when I don't dream, I don't want to wake up
I'd rather die now than not have your touch
Cause I miss you so much

The Hardest Part

It is absolutely the worst, most terrorizing part of this whole nightmare, that I can't speak to her. I can't hold her hand, look into her beautiful brown eyes and tell her the three magic words.

I am sorry.

I feel in my heart, such a cold terror, a fear, a tingling tearing pain about my mistake. I did the wrong thing and caused a cavalcade of misery and issues and problems and things falling horribly apart.

I never made a decision. I never had a thought. I saw it happen as it occurred and I instantly, immediately, all-encompassingly knew it was wrong and regretted it. It terrified me. It made me feel miserable, embarrassed, ashamed, idiotic, stupid, mean, nasty... and by simply thinking about it, I feel nauseous.

I did the wrong thing. I made a mistake.

I will be in the middle of my day, at work, walking to a meeting, or coming back from lunch, and a pain will strike me like lightning. It makes my whole face and chest hot, sends electric chills down my spine. My head swims, my ear ring and in my head is only screaming. My own screams, at top volume, directly into my synapses. My eyes open wide but my vision blacks out. I stop walking, I clutch the wall and wince from the attack. My knees buckle and my skin feels singed. All the power and energy in my body is being sucked out as if through my stomach. All my senses are physically being attacked. By my emotions. By my regret. My body is turning on itself. My immense volume of shame and pain is too overwhelming to continue to push down, and it overwhelms me.

These attacks can last 5 seconds in the middle of the day. If you stop and count out loud, you see how long that really is. I'll wait for you. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. It must be absurd to watch as a guy is walking past some cubicals and it looks like he was shot with a harpoon in his chest. At night they triple. Quadruple. They can last 10 minutes. 30. All day everyday they come in waves, sometimes very often, sometimes only every hour or two. They havent gotten better, lighter, or less frequent. They are unrelenting and wicked. They feel like pure evil.

This is how my body reacts. I'm choking down the hurt, holding in the shame, the embarrassment every single second of every day as I try to go on about my life. This is what happens when I have physical and mental muscle fatigue and I can't hold back the sorrow, the misery, the disgrace. I hate myself. I despise that I get to walk around in the world. Finally that pain pushes too hard, and I can't fight it off any longer. The attacks leave me breathless, teary. Embarrassed. Sick.

I made an unforgivable mistake and I refuse to let myself off the hook. I wont make excuses. I wont accept any. I'm unlikely to soften this stance. I am a miserable twit and am mortified at what I've done.

I've had an instant of recklessness and will punish myself for a lifetime because of it. There will be no healing process. I will never forget this, I will always live with it. Its pain and the terrible domino effect it had on my life.

And I haven't been able to say any of this to my wife. I haven't been able to IM her, text her, send smoke signals, or telegraph, much less do what I really honestly, with all of my heart want to do....

I want to walk up to her slowly. Take her hand gently into mine, making sure her sweet, soft pinky is not separate, rather inside my hand where it is safe. I'll put my other hand slowly, gently on her small, delicate shoulder. I'll softly glide it across to the nape of her neck, dragging the backs of my fingers up her neck, to cup the back of her head. I'll move my head towards hers and place the most tender of kisses on the side of her right temple. Then, I'll pull my head back, look deeply into her amazing almond-shaped eyes. I'll gaze past them, into her. I'll look directly at her soul and I'll tell her...

Baby, I'm sorry.

Pa-sta

I don't wanna

I feel like a toddler. Up past their nap time, who hasn't eaten well, suffering from diaper rash. 

I don't wanna.

I don't want to be at work. I don't want to go home. I don't want to sit on the couch, I don't want to lay down. I don't have anywhere to drive. There isn't any store with anything I could use. No restaurant has food I'd enjoy. No friends have invited me over, no bars are running any specials. Driving would irritate me right now, walking would piss me off. I can't nap, music sounds all weird, movies are too long, tv all sucks.

I don't wanna.

I can't stand to look at rental listings. I get nauseous thinking about opening the door to my storage unit. I have no idea where any of my coats are, other than, "In the 10x25 somewhere in a garbage bag." I don't feel like crawling through it looking. I don't want to restack the items in it so I can fit the remnants from my other tiny unit into it, reducing the bill I'll owe next week. I don't want to open the power bill I'm gonna have to pay eventually. I don't want to email that guy back. I don't want to answer this call.

I don't wanna.

Getting out of bed is a harassment. Taking a shower is weird. Getting dressed actually hurts. My hair sucks, I don't care. I don't want lunch. Dinner can fuck off. I don't want to sit at the table, I don't want a tv tray, I'm not going out, I hate dessert. Going to the bathroom is a bother, can't I wear a diaper? 

I don't wanna.

I'm not going to the store. I don't need groceries. So what I'm out of toothpaste? I don't feel like riding with you, I don't want to be here alone.

I can't close my eyes. I can't fall asleep. I can't imagine, I can't pretend.

I don't wanna.